Myths about the women - Common Myths - Domestic Violence Forum - The London borough of Barking and Dagenham.

Common Myths

Myths about the women

Abused women must have done something to deserve a beating

It is widely believed that the woman's 'nagging' or other 'unreasonable' provocations push the man to breaking point. These, so-called, 'provocations' range from simple requests such as money to feed the children and being able to see family and friends to failing to have a shirt ironed 'properly', not having the meal on the table at the 'right' time or refusing to be silenced.

Research suggests that it is a decision to be violent and as such has more to do with the man's behaviour than the woman's. In fact, most victims of domestic violence do everything they can to pacify their partners to avoid further violence. A 1984 Scottish study found that one in three domestic incidents was not preceded by an argument.

In the other two incidents, verbal conflict preceding the violence appeared to have been deliberately instigated by the perpetrator. Violence is never an acceptable method of solving conflict in relationships, nor do partners have a legal right to assault each other, whatever they may claim to have been the 'provocation'. Nobody asks for, or deserves to be, abused. Responsibility for the violence rests entirely with the perpetrator.

Women who are abused must be crazy or neurotic

This misconception focuses blame on the woman and what could be wrong with her to make her stay in a violent relationship. Studies have shown that women in violent relationships are no more psychologically disturbed than other women.

What we may label as 'crazy' or 'disturbed' behaviour are often tactics adopted by abused women in an attempt to survive in a very difficult, intolerable and possibly life-threatening situation.

Abused women are masochistic and probably enjoy the abuse

Most members of the community fail to understand the difficulties faced by women who wish to leave a violent relationship therefore, they assume that, because she stays in an abusive environment, the woman must accept or receive pleasure from the abuse in some way.

This is not true. There are many reasons for staying but pleasure or acceptance of the abuse are not among them.

Once an abused women, always an abused women

Most women who have successfully managed to escape a violent relationship alive are very careful to choose a different type of relationship the next time.

Some may also choose to remain alone rather than risk another potentially violent relationship.

Abused women are probably uneducated and have few job skills

The educational standard of abused women ranges from the basic to post graduate and range from unemployed to Chief Executives of multi-national companies.

Abused women can always leave

It is difficult for many people to understand why the woman in an abusive relationship does not leave. There are many economic, social and emotional factors which operate to make it extremely difficult for a woman experiencing domestic violence to leave her partner.

Amongst others, some of these factors include:

being brought up to believe that real fulfilment comes from being a wife and mother;
encouragement by family and counsellors to stay in the relationship;
feelings of inadequacy in providing the physical resources necessary for the needs of their children.

It may take several years and several temporary separations before she is able to permanently escape the abusive relationship.

Factors restraining women from leaving violent relationships include:

Economic Dependence: To leave often condemns women and children to a life of economic hardship. Problems associated with finding alternative accommodation are also common.
Staying Because Of The Children: About half of women experiencing domestic violence believe that keeping their marriage together for the sake of their children is another reason which contributes to preventing them from leaving the violent relationship.
Fear Of Reprisals: Many women are justifiably fearful that leaving the relationship will not end the violence. Many women are pursued and further abused when they leave. It is a 'Catch 22' situation whereby they are beaten if they stay and risk being killed if they leave. Figures indicate that nearly half of all women murdered by their spouses are separated, or in the process of separating, at the time of their deaths. (Wallace, 1986)
Lack Of Knowledge And Access To Help: Despite increased awareness on the issue of domestic violence, many women still lack the knowledge to enable them to take advantage of their legal rights such as applying for injunctions. Even if they are aware of these services, some women may experience problems in obtaining proper access due to language difficulties, inappropriate responses from service providers, living in isolated areas or lack of funds.
Social Isolation: Most women experiencing domestic violence are extremely isolated either because their partners have deliberately tried to isolate them from sources of support including family and friends or because women are too ashamed or afraid to tell anyone or if they have, the responses have been unhelpful and judgmental.
Emotional Dependence: Conflicting feelings of fear, shame, bewilderment, care for the abuser, hope that things will improve, a commitment to the relationship but not the violence, often contributes to a woman staying in an abusive situation.
Shame: After years of abuse, the self-esteem of most women has been eroded to the point where they no longer have confidence in their own abilities and believe that there are no other options.

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Barking and Dagenham Domestic Violence Forum