Introduction - Children's experience of domestic violence - You and your children - Domestic Violence Forum - The London borough of Barking and Dagenham.

You and your children

Children's experience of domestic violence

Introduction

Children are the largest group of people living with domestic violence and may experience domestic violence in many different ways. Children's experiences may include the following:

Witnessing violence and abuse
Listening to violence and abuse
Trying to protect their mothers from violence and abuse
Being abused themselves
Not getting the attention and support they need from their mother because the perpetrator is preventing her from spending time with them
Being pressurised or made to participate in the abuse
Being made homeless by domestic violence

How might these experiences affect my child/ren?

Children, like adults, are individuals who may react in many different ways to their experiences of domestic violence.

Some children may feel frightened, nervous, insecure and alone. Some may also feel responsible and may need to be reassured that none of the violence or abuse is their fault. They may also need to be reassured that they are not responsible for ending the violence/abuse. They also need to know that the violence/abuse is not your fault either.

Try to be as honest and open as you can with your children and if you are making decisions which affect them try to give them appropriate information about what is happening e.g. if you are leaving home to go into a refuge try to explain what that may involve.

Be careful that you do not tell them things that you do not want your abuser to know if there is a risk of them repeating what you have said to your abuser and this could put you and/or them at risk. You can talk to specialist advisors about this. (E.g. from the National Domestic Violence Helpline).
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Try not to have detailed discussions about the violence when your children are present as this could be frightening for them. If you are attending interviews that relate to your experiences of domestic violence try to arrange childcare in order to avoid being put into situations where you are unable to have adequate conversations about your experiences because of your children's presence.

I am concerned about my child copying the abuse

Many mothers experiencing domestic violence are afraid that their sons will copy the violent behaviour they have witnessed. One of the myths surrounding domestic violence is that it is caused by witnessing domestic violence.

In reality most boys who witness domestic violence do not grow up to become perpetrators. Your son may need to be reassured that most men are not violent and that he can choose to be different from your (ex) partner.

It is important that all children get clear messages from other people (including you) that violence and abuse are not 'normal' or acceptable types of behaviour and that most men do not behave in this way.

Some children (including girls) do copy abusive behaviour and may need support in unlearning this behaviour. Most children who have become abusive towards their mothers as a consequence of domestic violence change their behaviour fairly quickly when they are away from the situation of violence. There are professionals who can help you and your children if this problem has developed.

I'm worried my daughter will grow up to experience domestic violence

Many mothers also fear that their daughters will grow up to experience domestic violence. Your daughters also need to be reassured that most men are not violent and that this is not 'normal' or acceptable behaviour in relationships. They are no more (or less) likely to experience domestic violence than girls who have not experienced it in childhood.

Girls with low self esteem, however, may be more vulnerable to being targeted by abusers and you may wish to look into the possibility of getting some support (e.g. counselling) for your child/ren if they are suffering from low self esteem as a consequence of their experiences.

I think my child is being abused

Some children who are being abused themselves may be too frightened to tell their mums or another adult what is happening. They may have been threatened by an abuser into keeping the abuse a 'secret'.

Your child/ren may need to be reassured that they can tell you anything and that you will still love and support them regardless of what may have happened.

If your child makes a disclosure of abuse try to stay calm and allow your child tell his/her story in his/her own words and own time. Reassure them that whatever has happened was not their fault and explain that you may need to talk to someone else to try to get some help to keep them safe in the future.

Who can I contact if I am concerned?

If you are concerned that your child/ren (may) have been abused you can contact the NSPCC child protection line (which is free and open at all times) for help and support and/or you can contact your local social services department directly.

Many mothers are afraid to tell social services what is happening to their children as they are frightened that social workers will take their children away from them. Social workers are there to help you and your children and will try to work with you to find a way to support you and your children to live safely together.

It is important to tell social services about what has happened to your child/ren even if you are no longer in contact with your ex partner in case your ex partner tries to see the children in the future.

Social services may decide that no further action is needed but they will keep a record of what has happened. This may affect future decisions around child contact and/or who your child/ren live with if your ex partner later goes to court to see the children and/or to try to gain residency ('custody') of them.

Should I tell anyone else?

Some children find it difficult to concentrate on their school work or develop other behavioural problems at school because of what is happening at home.

It may be helpful to talk to your child's school (e.g. to their teacher and/or head teacher) about your child's experience of domestic violence so that the school can be more understanding of and supportive to your child.

They may also be able to offer some additional help for your child (e.g. they may have a school counsellor). Remind them to keep this information confidential.

Your child/ren may need additional support in dealing with the impact of their experiences of domestic violence and/or abuse. Please read the information on children's support services listed at the top of this section.

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Barking and Dagenham Domestic Violence Forum