If it is happening to you
If you are experiencing domestic violence
- You are not the only person experiencing domestic violence. There are many other women and children (and some men) living with domestic violence and many people who have survived and moved on from abusive relationships.
- You are not responsible for the abusive behaviour of your (ex) partner. Your abuser is the person who has a problem. You are not the problem although you may need help in dealing with the problems your abuser has caused.
- Nobody "deserves" or "asks" to be abused.
- Domestic violence is not usually "caused" by alcohol, drugs or other stress factors although abusers may become more violent when they are using substances. Abusers often blame their behaviour on external factors but in reality they are choosing to use violence and abuse and do not "have to" behave in that way. Many abusers control the timing of their abuse (e.g. not hitting their partners in front of others) which shows that they can control their behaviour and are not "out of control".
- You do not have to suffer in silence and can get confidential support, advice, information and/or help from a number of different agencies (see section on support agencies).
- It is a good idea to tell trusted individuals/agencies what is happening even if you are not planning to leave so that you can get support and have a record of what has happened. This may help you in the future if your circumstances change (e.g. if you are later involved in a dispute over your children, an immigration claim or a housing application). You could consider talking to your doctor (or other health worker), a women's refuge outreach service or other confidential service. These agencies offer confidentiality and will not talk to anyone else about your experiences without your consent (unless there are concerns about your children's safety).
- You may wish to think about additional ways in which you can improve your safety and the safety of your children. There are specialist advisors (e.g. refuge outreach workers) who can help you with this.
- If your abuser is willing to try to change you can contact the Respect phoneline (0845 122 8609) for information and advice on how he can access help in changing his abusive behaviour. Perpetrator programmes also offer support services to the partners of those attending their programmes.
- Domestic violence assaults are criminal offences and you are entitled to help from the police and the criminal justice system (see section on getting help from the police).
- There is help available if you want to get support to end your relationship without having to leave your home (see section on long term housing options).
- There is help available if you decide to leave your home and your relationship (see section on leaving home).
- You can read the other sections of this website for further information about some of the support options available.
- You are the best person to decide what choices and decisions to make. Professionals (and others) may be able to help, advice and/or support you but they should not tell you what you must do as you have a better understanding of what you are going through than they do. A decision that is right for one person may not be right for another.
- You (and your children) deserve to be safe!
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